Interim “T” Not Very Convincing

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Georgia Tech was recently held victim to one of its most classic pranks, the theft of the Tech Tower “T”.  This tradition, while celebrated by students, is regarded as a serious offense amongst Tech officials.  In the letter’s absence, the school’s administration has decided to install a “Temporary T”.  However, this new replacement T, while a nice sentiment, has yet to fool anybody. 

"At first I thought, ‘Hey, the T is back," said freshman Josh Wesley.  "But then I actually saw it and was like ‘wait nope not at all’".  Wesley is just one of many students that find the replacement T ridiculous.  "For one thing, it’s not the right color.  It’s also slightly larger than the other letters.  And I’m pretty sure it’s in comic sans."

School officials have responded to the criticisms apologizing for the poor quality of the T.  They added that the only other option would have been lowercase, green, and in the papyrus font.  

Water Contamination System Takes Last Place in “Inventure Prize”

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Last week, finalists for “The Inventure Prize” showcased their inventions in front of a panel of judges and an audience of hundreds.  Audiences were wowed by all of the entries, even the ill-fated “De-Potable” which clenched last place. 

The system, made by two 4th year chemical engineering students, was proposed as the world’s first “water un-purifier”.  The idea was simple, clean water goes in one chamber, dirt/mud/goo from the street goes in the other.  The two chambers are then mixed in the center and the resultant sludge is dispensed. 

"I really don’t see any possible reason why this would ever be of use" remarked one judge.  "Even after paying the $400 suggested retail price, the hospital bills for the impending diseases would add up far too quickly."

Despite overwhelming criticism, the competing pair insisted that “all great inventions didn’t have a use at the time they were invented, such as Tang or seatbelts.”  This was met with muted claps as they exited and yielded the stage to the second place-winning “Edible Life Vest”  

Starbucks to Open Smaller Starbucks in Starbucks Line

THE STARBUCKS LINE – In an effort to maximize their profit off of poor college students, Starbucks announced last Thursday their plan to open a new, smaller Starbucks in the freakishly long Clough Commons line.

“We want students to be able to buy their $12 beverage with more ease,” explained Starbucks spokesman Antonio Marks. “We plan to insert another Starbucks about halfway through the current Starbucks line in order to facilitate a better customer experience. We expect the wait to be halved to only one hour.”

The decision, however, did not come without controversy. 3rd year bio major Tiffany Hayes is upset with this change. “Without the 2 hour long Starbucks line, I don’t know how much I’ll be able to look at my phone,” Hayes said, wiping a tear from her face. “That’s really the time where I catch up on Snapchat and Instagram, and I know I wouldn’t have the Candy Crush score I do without that line. I really will miss staring at my phone and pretending like I don’t see that person I sort of know but don’t feel like talking to just three people in front of me.”

At press time, the Starbucks line was snaking through the CULC, down Freshman Hill, across Techwood, up the 5th Street Bridge, and has actually conjoined with the Barnes and Noble Starbucks line. 

North Ave Resident Begins 8-Week Journey To Paper Science Building

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There was scarcely a dry eye in North Avenue apartments this morning as 2nd year chemical engineering major Stephen Ward bid his friends and family farewell before beginning his journey to the Paper Science building on west campus.  Ward had been preparing for this arduous trek since hearing about his upcoming MSE midterm last Wednesday.  Headed out with nothing but the essentials, this morning marked day one of his nearly 2 month-long excursion.

"I want to be sure I can make it there before my midterm at the end of March," Ward told reporters while lacing his boots up.  "I could leave a little later if I wanted to try taking the bus, but I need to make sure I get where I’m going and on time.  Why leave something this important up to chance?"

Ward’s itinerary for the following weeks allows time for almost every unexpected obstacle, from having to fake interested conversations with organizations on Skiles, to 3 hour lines at Chik-fil-a.  The nights spent on the unthinkably long trail will also give him a chance to learn the material that will be covered upon arriving.  The only thing not planned for; how he will possibly make it to the College of Business afterwards for his quiz the following month.  

Computer Science Just As Difficult At GTL But Now Also In French

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METZ, FRANCE - Second year mechanical engineering student James Woolbright was in for a cruel surprise this week at Georgia Tech’s Lorraine campus when he realized Computer Science would be just as challenging but now with the added difficulty of being in French.  Woolbright, who had been putting off taking the notoriously difficult CS 1371, had heard the classes abroad would be much easier.  This proved not to be the case as this week’s homework involved writing 45 lines of code, all explained in a broken French-English hybrid.  Woolbright was unavailable to comment on the fiasco as he was too busy desperately looking up the word for “interpolate”.

Registration Error Sells Student to Traveling Circus

                                         

With syllabus week winding to a close, students everywhere are adding and dropping classes to get that perfect schedule.  Unfortunately, this system is not without its flaws, as 2nd year Chemical Engineering major Bryce O’Keefe found out the hard way.  O’Keefe, looking to to swap Organic Chemistry sections before registration ended, input the wrong class registration number, binding his freewill to an in-town traveling circus.

"It was really more surprising than anything," O’Keefe told Yellow Jacket reporters.  "I’d done this a few times before without too much of a fuss.  I guess it was just a matter of time before a nightmare like this.  I hope I get a cool job in my new life at the circus…"

Officials at the registrar’s office have declined to comment on the error or even why the Tompkins Brother’s Circus was even given a CRN in the first place.  O’Keefe was also unavailable for further comments as he had to pack to begin his training before hopping on the truck to Peoria, Illinois for a month-long engagement. 

Glenn Burned Down For Warmth

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A longstanding monument of East Campus was reduced to embers this morning after Glenn Residence Hall was burned to the ground to keep students warm.  The fire, which started around 11:30 pm yesterday, raged on well into the night, delighting and warming all in the near-subzero temperatures.

"My dorm was pretty run-down anyways," and anonymous Glenn resident told reporters.  "It needed a new coat of paint and the showers could have used a good scrubbing.  But this way, we were all able to survive the cold.  I wonder where I’m supposed to live now."

"We don’t even know who started the fire!" commented nearby PL Tyler Steindorf.  "If housing did this as an act of mercy, we are very appreciative.  If this was a disgruntled student, well, it was getting renovated next year anyways. We just wish we could have woken everyone up first."

Georgia Tech has made no comment as to their plans on what to do with the burned dorm site but students are anxious to see which dorm will be torched tonight. 

Three-Time Mini-500 Champion Admits to Doping

Scandal has arisen following Saturday’s yearly Mini-500 tricycle race.  After pedaling his team to victory for the third year in a row, senior Chemical Engineering student Alex Marakin has confessed to the usage of performance enhancing substances.  

"We take this very seriously," Ramblin’ Reck Club President David Byas-Smith told reporters.  "Winning two years in a row is a marvel of athleticism.  Three years in a row is simply unheard of and required a closer look."

Marakin showed up Tuesday morning for his drug test which he had to take in front of President Peterson, the entire Ramblin’ Reck Club, and, for some reason, Buzz.  The tests confirmed 3 different types of anabolic steroids and “deer antler” spray.  

The winning team was stripped of their victory, though nobody can take away how beautiful their pomp was. 

BREAKING: You Don’t Know That Girl You Just Waved At

An awkward moment broke out just now on Skiles Walkway after you waved to that girl whom you do not, in fact, know.  Despite her waving in your general direction and looking vaguely like the girl you sat behind in Chemistry 1310, she was indeed waving to her sorority sister behind you, and you look like a major doofus.  

Sources confirmed you must be feeling so embarrassed right now, such as the 2nd year typing on his laptop who oversaw the ordeal and visibly cringed.  The situation could have possibly been diffused by acting like you were scratching your head or pointing at a squirrel, but you managed to mess that up too, genius. 

Campus Officials Realize Nobody Authorized Giant Art Installations

Tensions abruptly rose Tuesday during a exec meeting in the President’s Office as officials from all departments slowly realized that nobody actually authorized the giant art installations adorning campus.  
What started as a remark about “Grounds’ statues” led to a tense moment as the Grounds committee interjected “Those aren’t ours!  We thought the alumni association had them installed.”  This continued for several minutes before President Peterson rose from his chair and announced, “My God, how did those things get on my campus?”

GTPD has been instructed to go through all campus surveillance footage for any indication as to how or even when the dozen-odd large monoliths arrived on Georgia Tech property.

"We really don’t know what we’re dealing with here," Dean Stein told Yellow Jacket reporters.  "It seems like too much work for a harmless prank.  All we can do now is hope for an answer and stay far away from them until then."